Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In case of an emergency, notify: "I put, 'DOCTOR'".
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal ideas from many is research.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
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