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The Best Place for Fun - Lawyer Jokes Page 1.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years.  A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.  The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.

 What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?  Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled.  "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.  The Butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

Several days later, the butcher opens his mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer; inside is a $20 invoice for a consultation.

How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

"Good morning, your honor."

How can you spot a lawyer walking down the street?

He will have his hands in someone else’s pockets.

A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate.  He asks the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?

The man replies, "We think so - but we can't prove it yet."

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.  "My name is Billy, what's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."  "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons.  First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."

What do you get when you run an "honest lawyer" contest?

No winners.

Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?

Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.

A lawyer, named Thomas Strange, was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies Thomas Strange, an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave, and the authorities would be confused.  However, I could put 'Here lies an honest lawyer.'"

"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Sure they will," replied the stonecutter. "Everyone who reads it will think, 'That's Strange!'"







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