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The Best Place for Fun - Lawyer Jokes Page 2.

The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him.  "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer.

Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling.

He replied, "I used to be one of his clients, and I just like to hear you say it."

A 50-year-old lawyer who had been practicing since he was 25 years old died and arrived at the pearly gates of heaven.  The lawyer said to St. Peter, "I am surprised I died so young. I was very active and always ate well. And I'm only 50 years old!"

St. Peter looked at his book and looked back down at the lawyer. "Fifty years old, you say? According to your billing records, you should be 83."

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

No? Good!

A doctor and a lawyer got into a car accident, on a small country road.  The lawyer had figured that nobody else would be on the road, and had raced through a stop sign.  The doctor, on a cross street, had no time to react and couldn't have missed the lawyer if he had tried.  Fortunately, neither driver was hurt.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from his battered car and offered him a drink from a hip flask.  The doctor accepted, took a deep drink, and handed the flask back to the lawyer.

The lawyer held the flask for a minute or two, and gave it to the doctor again.  The doctor took another swig.  He again returned the flask to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Not now," answered the lawyer. "I'll have something after the police leave."

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable, in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.  His doctor gives him a choice of available brains, there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, "This is a rip off, how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?"  The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and a dishonest lawyer are in the same room. There is a $500 bill on a table in the room.  When they leave, the money is gone. Who took it?

Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy or an honest lawyer, the answer is obvious.

How do you tell if it is really cold outside?

A lawyer has his hands in his own pockets.

The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour.

The lawyer was outraged, saying "I don't even make that kind of money, doesn't that seem a bit steep?"

The plumber replied, "That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer."

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.  An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied, "Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker."

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

You're stranded on a desert island with Attila the Hun, Adolf Hitler, and a lawyer. You have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer twice!







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