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The Best Place for Fun - Old Age Jokes Page 2.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."


I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries.  A hip replacement, new knees.  Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.  I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.  Have bouts with dementia.  Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.  Have lost all my friends.

But, Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!


Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!


An elderly man calls his son and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up the phone.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

 She calls immediately, and screams at the old man. "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own fares.


Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"

"She's fine, except that she's angry with you."

"With me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

"She said, 'It's none of your business how old she is.'"


An old woman was walking along the street when she heard a voice telling her, "You will live to be over 100."  She looked around, but no one else seemed to have heard the voice.  Then she heard it again, "You will live to be over 100."  Again she looked around, and again, no one else seemed to have heard anything.  Convinced it was The Lord telling her this, she made an appointment with a plastic surgeon, and signed up for a face lift, a tummy tuck, liposuction, and a nose job, all to be done simultaneously.  Figuring since The Lord told her she would live to be 100, she'd better do something to make herself look better.

After healing from all the operations and looking great she decided to go shopping.  While crossing the street, she was hit by a bus and killed instantly. 

When she got to heaven, she asked the Lord, "Why did I die? You told me I was going to live to be more than 100?" 

God looked at her...and replied, "Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't recognize you."


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other, and said, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now, and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim said, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a new-born baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."


Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"


Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful, and 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful look and charm, who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast.  They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No. I told her I was 90."

 

 

 

 

 

 

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