The Best Place for
Fun - Old Age Jokes Page 2.
man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his
worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of
the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that
nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and,
at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I
invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day
polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued
this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a
fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's
father died and left us two million dollars."
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new
knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a
number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be
really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and
listen to the conversations. I've changed my
will three times!
An elderly man calls his son and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I
have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of
misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're
sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister
and tell her," and he hangs up the phone.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
calls immediately, and screams at the old man. "You are NOT getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and
we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're
coming for Christmas and paying their own fares.
Worried because they
hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the
neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son,
"Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs.
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except that she's angry with you."
"With me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
"She said, 'It's none of your business how old she is.'"
An old woman was walking along the street when she heard a voice
telling her, "You will live to be over 100." She looked around, but no
one else seemed to have heard the voice. Then she heard it again, "You
will live to be over 100." Again she looked around, and again, no one
else seemed to have heard anything. Convinced it was The Lord telling
her this, she made an appointment with a plastic surgeon, and signed up
for a face lift, a tummy tuck, liposuction, and a nose
job, all to be done simultaneously. Figuring since The Lord told her she
would live to be 100, she'd better do something to make herself look
After healing from all the operations and looking great she decided
to go shopping. While crossing the street, she was hit by a bus and
When she got to heaven, she asked the Lord, "Why did I
die? You told me I was going to live to be more than 100?"
at her...and replied, "Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't recognize you."
elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under
a tree when one turned to the other, and said, "Slim, I'm 83 years old
now, and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.
How do you feel?"
Slim said, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
Like a new-born baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One
said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my
hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't
remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on
the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my
way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have
that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the
table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
Bob, a 70 year old extremely
wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful,
and 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her
youthful look and charm, who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to
his every word.
His buddies at the club are all
aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask.
"So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were 50?"
and says, "No. I told her I was 90."