The Best Place for
Fun - Redneck Jokes Page 2.
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David,
David and David," she answered.
"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want
them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and
they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last
So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar
and asks, "Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?
"The guy says, "Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds,
an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the
other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225
pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And
the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs
295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still
want to tell your redneck story?"
The fella says,
"Naw, you're right. . . I'd hate to have to
explain it three times!"
A redneck farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to
file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those deevorces."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, I have a John
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you
have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife
beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way.
WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful
conversation with her."
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny
The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill
by sun bathing in the nude.
"That's OK with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the
About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his
wife in tears. Her chest has been painted green and her
buns have been painted blue.
"What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.
"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any
nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"
"Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts.
He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.
"Who is the SOB who painted my wife green and blue!" he shouts.
A huge redneck, about 6'-8," steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. "I did it,"
he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"
The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint
Emily Sue passed away
and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would
send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?"
asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At
the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked,
"Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long
pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak
Street and you pick her up there?"
Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly
funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years,
whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel
drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents,
the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were
surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers
in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, No"
Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas
were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were, "Hold my beer and watch this!"
A man from Kentucky came
home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the
fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on
"Okay" replied the
fireman, "How do we get there?"
"Don't you still have
those big red trucks?"
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy
Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a
vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii
and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and
Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't
get pregnant again.
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."